Shrimp Cocktail
by Ellen Tee
Summary: Complete randomness! My favorite. T for language.
1. Christmas Carolers

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

CHRISTMAS CAROLERS

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Ed was sitting in his armchair, reading A Dummy's Guide on How to Get Tall. It was snowy, a perfect December night. How could anything go wrong?

"Brother! Brother!"

"Don't bother me now, Al! I'm learning how to get tall!"

"But I'm bored."

"Invite some friends over."

"I don't have any. You and I are lonely hermits."

"You could invite some people from Central."

"Great idea Brother!" some dialing "Hello?... Hi! This is Alphonse Elric!... We're throwing a party!"

Edward stood up. "Party? I said you could invite some friends!"

Al ignored Ed. "Yeah, be here around eight… Call everyone you know!"

"What?"

"Great… See ya!"

"Alphonse! Where's your brain! We can't have a party! Sometimes I think you're metal head is empty."

"It is empty Brother. Anyways, I have to go to the store! I'm getting some eggnog!"

"While you're there, pick up some aspirin."

"Why?"

"…"

"Okay, then."

So Alphonse merrily set off to buy eggnog… and some aspirin. He was skipping along when he heard a familiar sound. The sound of meowing.

"Kitties!"

Al sped of in the direction of the mewing. He came upon a cardboard box with a litter of five kittens. He squealed with delight.

"Come, my furry friends! Drinks on me!"

The kittens each tried to commit suicide, but weren't successful for Alphonse was hugging them too tightly. Then, with kittens in arm, and money in purse, he began to skip to the store again.

When he got there, he grabbed a shopping cart, put his purse up front with his kitties, and proceeded to hunt down eggnog!

Back at home, Edward was in his room, sound-proofing the walls. Al would most likely pick up cats and then he'd have to isten to them mew all night. Not gonna happen!

"Crap, why'd Al have to throw a party tonight! Why does he need friends; he's only a tin can!"

Just then, the doorbell rang. Edward called, "I'll get it."

He opened the front door, not suspecting the horrors behind it…

"We wish you a merry Christmas,

We wish you a merry Christmas,

We wish you a merry Christmas,

And a happy New Year!

Good tidings we bring to you and your-"

Edward slammed the door, bolting it and double locking it. Christmas Carolers! He raced over to the phone, dialing the police.

ringing (answering machine) We've got your police and your eggnog, and we're holding them for ransom. Do anything stupid and we'll kill 'em! Please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you shortly.

"Noooooo! The Christmas Carolers have taken over the police force!"

Edward quickly ran to the basement, bringing up nails and boards. He began hammer the windows and doors shut. When he was done, he tried to relax and watch some TV.

"They can't get me now."

He sat back down in his armchair, turning on the news.

(reporter) Apparently, Christmas carolers have been taking over the world. We don't know what they want, but they say they're holding the police and _eggnog_ for ransom. Here's what some people have to say:

(old man) I can't go on without my eggnog! How could someone be so heartless?

(person from mental facility) Now that the eggnog is gone, there is no point to living. -gun shot-

(reporter) … right. In other news, giant penguins have been seen flying over-"

Edward switched the TV off. He closed his eyes, trying to nap. Then he jolted up.

"What was that?"

He listened again and heard the floorboard creaking. He looked around and saw something dash across the room.

"Oh, crap."

"Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Jingle all the way,

O, what fun it is to ride,

In a one horse open sleigh,

Hey!"

"You'll never take me alive!"

Edward pulled out some grenades, attaching them to himself. The singing stopped.

"Don't do it, kid. Take the grenades off…"

"DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"

"You'll only be hurting yourself…"

"DAMN STRAIGHT!"

Edward reached to set off the grenades, but they didn't go off. The Christmas carolers watched expectantly. Nothing.

"Crap."

The Christmas carolers began to attack Ed!

"Al! Help me! Christmas… cheer… IT BURNS!"

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Poor Ed. Such a horrible fate. :'o(


	2. Mission: Save Ed

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

MISSION: SAVE ED

Situation: Al is throwing a party and is presently at the store purchasing eggnog. Ed is being mobbed by Christmas carolers. Such a sad fate.

Al pushed his cart down to the refrigerated section of the store. He was a little weirded out by the fact that everyone in the store was dead, but he decided it was just a coinky-dink.

Al looked around for the eggnog. The entire shelf where it normally was, was bear. He fell to his knees and screamed, "Nooooooooooooooooo!"

A tear slid down Alphonse's metal cheek. "I... will... have... my... REVENGE!"

From out of nowhere, Al brandished a rocket launcher. "WHO HAS THE EGGNOG?"

"Parlez!" shouted Ed.

The carolers stopped mobbing him."Parlez?"

"I saw it in this movie, Pirates of the Caribbean. Because I said that you have to take me to your leader." Ed smirked.

The carolers scratched their heads. "Whose idea was that?"

"That would be the French," said a mysterious voice from the shadows.

"Jack Sparrow!" shouted Ed.

"_Captain _Jack Sparrow," corrected Captain Jack Sparrow. "And here come my fan girls."

"Not the fan girls!" pleaded the carolers.

"Eeeeeee! Like oh meh gawd! It's Jack Sparrow!"

"Fangirls," said Captain Jack Sparrow, "Attack the carolers!"

"We obey, master," squealed all of the thousands of fangirls in unison.

The fangirls turned to the carolers with fangs and claws. Their eyes were rolled up into their heads and they were frothing at the mouth. Some even hissed. "In the name of Johnny Depp," They squealed. Then, they charged the cheery carolers.

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"You don't really want to go to Al's party, do you Riza?" asked Mustang innocently.

"Yes... I do." she answered.

"What if I took you to a fancy restaurant instead.?"

"Okay!"

-LATER-

"Roy! If I'd known you were taking me to MCDONALDS, I would have gone to Al's party!"

"The commercial said it was fancy. And look, they serve finger sandwiches! Yum."

"Ya really want to know how they make this food?" growled Riza.

"Not really..."

"I'll tell you! They take a live animal and shove it into a blender, turning it on full throttle. Then, they take the bone, feather, meat mixture and bread it with snot! And because so many people eat here, they mass produce these things they call 'burgers' and have left overs. Where do the left overs go? Into the drinking supply, poisoning us and causing cancer."

"Then we better eat up so that none gets into the drinking supply, right?"

Riza pulled out a gun and shot Mustang. "I'm leaving! Hmph."

Mustang bleeds all over the table and dies. Some poor hired teenager has to come in and remove the blood and body. They're too lazy to do it. The customers won't notice; it's only one body.

Jack Sparrow, Ed, and all of the fangirls were beaten in battle and tied up. So sad. Now they are being taken to the caroler leader, who is none other than... SANTA CLAUS!

"Ho-ho-ho. I see we have captured the infamous Jack Sparrow. And some short guy."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL-."

"Put a lid on it, shorty," says Santa Claus. A lid instantly appeared on Ed's mouth.

I jump into the story out of nowhere. "Who are you calling short, fatty?"

"So my carolers didn't bring spread the Christmas cheer onto you?" said the fat man in red.

"I am too powerful for such petty cheerfulness."

"You think you can beat me, Lisa?"

"Bring it on, fatty!"

"We shall do battle then! Prepare yourself."

Somewhere out of the story, a timer goes off. I shout "Hold on a sec. I think my muffins are done."

-hops out of story-

"...right. I guess now that she's out of the way, I am free to spread the Christmas cheer to Jack Sparrow! And some short guy." Ho-hoed Santa.

-I hop back in the story. Gee, that's fun. You seriously gotta try that-

"It appears that my muffins weren't done baking! It set the timer for five more minutes! We can yet do battle, o-fat one." I say.

Santa rips off his jacket thingy to reveal... a hairy chest! Ewww...

"Put your shirt back on, old man!" I scream.

"Never!"

"Power... is weakening... losing consciousness... becoming very nauseous..."

"Who will save you now, Lisa?" ho-ho's Santa.

"I will!"

"Will Turner! Our second favorite!" squeal the tied up Jack Sparrow fangirls.

Will's own fangirls are preparing to fight.

"Hey, hey! Lisa! Isn't this a Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction?" screams Ed.

"Yes."

"Then why are they here?"

"Just to annoy you, Edo-kun! -"

My mission to save Ed isn't doing so well. -sigh-

I am so sorry for disgusting grammar! I keep changing from present tense to past tense, but past tense sounds really bad in a comedy, but I already did it like that... whatever -

ignore the grammar for now! Please R&R


	3. Mission: Save Ed again

Disclaimer: I own not a thing. Nothing. Who does? -.-;

MISSION: SAVE ED... again

Scenario: Santa Claus has Ed and Jack Sparrow tied up. Al has gone insane and has a rocket launcher in his possession. O yeah! Will Turner just appeared To help Ed. And my muffins aren't done yet! (It's been like a whole month!)

"You'll never get away with this!" Ed screamed to Santa Claus.

"Ho-ho-ho!" laughed Santa maniacally. "That's what you think!"

Jack Looks around expectantly. "Where's Will?"

Santa smirks. "Said something about helping Lisa bake muffins."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Our last hope!"

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-Meanwhile, at my house in the kitchen-

"Wow, Lisa! I never knew that muffins could be considered math!"

"Well, Will, you need to find the volume of the muffin. So first you take the area of the upper portion of the muffin 3.14(rr) and then you will take the area of the lower portion of the muffin 3.14(rr) and you average them (let the upper portion of the muffin be represented by _u, _the average represented by _a, _and the lower portion of the muffin be represented by_ l_. Your equation would be (lu/2a)! Now that you've gotten your average, multiply that by the height of the muffin (Let _h _represent height and let _v _represent volume (ahv). Now that we've done one muffin, we get to do it for all fifty! Oh goodie!"

"Why are we putting the muffins in largest volume to the smallest?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"I dunno! Maybe I have obsessive compulsive disorder. Is it wrong to order your muffins? Doesn't everybody?"

"I don't think so."

"Oh. I'll do it anyway!"

"Okay - let me help!"

"Of course you can help, Will."

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-back with Ed-

"So... are you going to tell us your evil plot, Santa?"

"Nope."

"Why not? Villains always spill their plot before destroying the world. But then the good guy stops 'em right when they're explaining the really good part."

"Exactly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Put a sock in it."

A sweaty gym sock appeared in Ed's mouth. His muffled voice tried to come through it. Jack Sparrow started laughing.

"You too, bird-man."

A sock appeared in Jack Sparrow's mouth too. Haha! Now they both have socks in their mouths!

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-in Ishbal-

"Come on! The military attacked us, and now a psychotic suit of armor with a rocket launcher? What's this world coming-!"

The man was cut off by Al firing a rocket! Burning! Explosions!

"WHERE'S THE EGG NOG?"

More explosions. Al shoot whatever move. Yay!

Cat move... BOOM! Bird move... BOOM! Lisa move... BOOM!

Pikachu pops out of nowhere.

"Pika!"

Pikachu move... BOOM! (Hahahahahahaha!)

"Pika!" Goes flying.

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-Lisa's house, in her kitchen-

"Oh, look, Will. Here comes pikachu."

Pikachu comes flying through the window and lands safely(what a coincidence...) On the floor, right by the oven... hm...

"Lisa, I think that I've finished ordering the muffins. Now we can go help Ed and Jack."

"I've thought of something better to do."

"What?"

Pikachu stands up and smiles, hugging my leg. "Pika!"

Will and I grin evilly at each other.

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-with Ed-

"Hey, Jack?"

"What, Ed?"

"Did you hear something just scream 'pika' ?"

"What?"

"Nevermind."

Santa walks over, sweating from the effort. He notices that the socks in Ed and Jack's mouths have disappeared. He puts turtles in their mouths instead.

"That should hold ya," Santa ho-hos.

I pop back into the story, carrying a large silver platter.

"Suckling pikachu, anyone?"

Roasted pikachu is sitting on the plate with an apple in its mouth, surrounded by garland. Very tasty. Santa instantly waddles over, ripping off a leg and gnawing on it. Ed twitches.

"Is that..?"

"...Maybe..."

Santa Claus finishes eating pikachu. I remember that I have to fight him. Oops.

"O-fat one, prepare to do battle."

"Why?"

"Cause you're an evil caroler. That's why."

"Oh. That's it?"

"And you have Ed tied up. I don't like that very much."

"If you don't like it, free him."

"How?"

"You're the writer."

"Oh yeah! In that case..."

A jar of peanut butter appears and I start eating it. Mmm, peanut butter. Santa Claus slaps his forehead.

"Let's make a trade off," says Santa.

"I'll give you Ed if you give my Will."

"I dunno. He boosts my deck by twenty hp. And he's great at sorting muffins -"

"Fine give me Will, and I'll give you Ed and two grand."

"Done - Bye-bye Will! See you in POTC2!"

Will is dragged away into the depths by elves. "Nooooooooo! There aren't any mirrors in hell!"

"I'm free! Free! FREE!" Ed shrieks.

"Guess again, Edo-kun!"

He looks around and sees that a circular room has formed around him. A white circular room. Attached t the ceiling is a speaker, through which I speak.

"Okay, Ed. I have now decided to drive you insane! I will play this poem over and over and over until you go insane! Ready?"

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

"Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! 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Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me! Bugs, I hate bugs, they drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once! They locked me in a circular room and told me to count the corner that really bugs me!

-----------------------------------------

Hoped ya liked it.

Post script: this went on for several hours, but the computer complained that 5,872 pages was too long. So I had to cut it off. And all of that typing for nothing.

Post-post script: If anyone can draw, I'd love fan art. If you can only review, that's fine too. But fanart would make me feel warm and fuzzy inside!

Post-post-post script: The fanart thing goes for all of my stories, okay?


	4. Back to Normal?

BACK TO NORMAL?

SCENARIO: Ed narrowly escaped Santa Claus and things appear to be settling back down. Jack Sparrow had to go shoot POTC2, so he wasn't able to stay. However... a different famous star may be reappearing. And where is Al? And what movie will be used in this fic?

Disclaimer: I own nothing. But I DO have Ed trapped in my circular room of horrors! Muhahaha!

Ed: I escaped! Water! WATER!

Me: Here try this.

Ed: munch munch Agh, now I'm even more thirsty! What is this?

Me: Those would be ordinary, common, household pretzels!

Ed: The salt! It burns!

Me: hehehe...

---------------------------------------

"Wow," said Ed. "It's great to finally be home after all of that weird stuff that happened."

Ed goes and opens the door to his house and puts his house key on the counter, taking off his jacket. He starts to walk upstairs when he notices the strange odor of... party favors? Ed glances left ad right. Party favors meant party. Party meant people. People meant popsicles...

Ed transmuted his arm into a sword and jumped out into his living room.

"Surprise!" shouted at least fifty people.

"DIE YOU FIENDS!" Ed screamed slashing at them.

-I pop into story and watch contentedly-

All of a sudden, who waltzes through the door but... ARAGORN! luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff luff

"What? Where's Arwen? I was just making out with her-"

"Two timer!" I rip Ed's arm off and use it to attack Aragorn.

Legolas comes through the door and looks around. "Gimili, I don't think we're in Middle Earth anymore."

Gimli comes through just as I chuck a frying pan at Aragorn, which he avoids, and it hits Gimli on the forehead. I burst out laughing.

Ed walks over to Gimli and stands on his tip toes to find... Gimli's taller! Hahaha! (Gimili is a dwarf by the way. Forgot how to spell his name...)

"Where are we?" Asks Legolas.

"Amestris," I say, eating a spoonful of peanut butter.

"Have we met before?" Legolas asks.

"Yeah, you do look kinda familiar... nope, I got nothin'." I glance around. "Hey. Did you guys bring any of the midgits?"

"Hello," says Frodo as he walks through the door.

"Yay!" I run over and mess with the little guy's hair. He looks at me irrritably.

"Why'd you do that?"

"Because I never thought that I'd meet a real live midgit!"

"I'm not real. I'm only a part of your sadistic imagination, used as a tool to write with to produce comical works of an author. Nothing here is real, not Legolas, not Gimli, Not Ed, Not even Aragorn."

"NO!"

"Yes!" says Ed.

"I am procured by your cerebrum, the largest part of your brain. It controls thoughts, learning, memorization, etc. You are really just sitting on your couch typing a two-way, one-person conversation, as I am the technical part of you that wishes you to stop such nonsense. Basically, you are talking to yourself."

"NO!"

"Yes!" says Ed.

"The fact is that because you are typing this, you are using this as an escape, and I am merely your conscious clarifying that. You are sad or worried about something, or you just need a break from real life. I suppose it's okay to do on a rare occasion, but you do it almost everyday, you lazy slob!"

"NO!"

"Yes!" says Ed.

"Did you know that your puppy is in need of a bathroom break as you type this and he is about to go in the house?"

"NO!"

"Yes!"

Riza steps through the doorway. "Sorry I'm late." Glancing at Frodo she says, "What seems to be the problem?"

"LIES, ALL OF THEM!" -rocks back and forth-

"...Okay. What'd you do to the author, Frodo?"

He shakes his head. "I merely shattered her sense of security."

"You idiot! This could mean the end of us."

"What!" everyone shouts.

"Without an author... we don't exist!"

Everyone turns to Frodo. -glare-

"I... but... she... um... di... hu... pie... yummm..."

The power goes out. -screaming-

Riza sighs. "That's always the first thing to go, the power. Now I can't watch my soaps." -pulls gun out and shoots Frodo-

"Hey guys, look over here!" shouts Ed.

All look out the window. They see that the house is floating in black nothingness, aka, my mind. Resembool has disappeared.

Riza sighs again. "That's always the second thing to go, the scenery."

"W-what's the third thing," asks Envy quivering. -Riza pull out gun and shoots Envy-

"That would be... characters disappearing into thin air. I'm not sure but-" she is cut off as she puffs in a cloud of smoke.

A random person suggests that someone tries reasoning with the author. All agree. -turns and looks at Ed-

"What?"

"She's Ed obssessed. She'll listen to you."

"She's evil! She locked me in a circular room and told me to the count the corners for **two WHOLE YEARS!"**

Santa Claus appears out of nowhere. "Where am I? I was just vacationing in the Bahamas when- holy crap!" He notices everyone staring at him in his speedo. -awkward silence-

The room bursts into screaming. "It burns!" "Cover your eyes, children!" "I feel pain in my eyes!" "Death is better than this!" Half the people kill themselves rather than look at Santa in a speedo. Hastily, Santa covers his red suit in a towel.

"What I'd like to know is what's going on!"

"Well, it's a long story," begins Fuery.

"Not really." says Falman. "Frodo explained to Lisa that this is all her imagination. Lisa had a mental break down, and now her story isn't funny anymore."

"This is serious."

"Has anyone seen Al?" asks Ed.

-meanwhile in Middle Earth-

"One eggnog to rule them all. One eggnog to find them. One eggnog to bring them all into darkness, bind them. This is the one eggnog, forged by the dark lord, Al'o'Tincan. You can tell because when you throw it in the fire, lines appear!"states Gandalf happily.

"Those are scratch marks." says Sam.

"Oh, so now you're the wizard? Are you going to tell me how to run my job now? Why is it always that way? I mean, it's not as though you went through five hard years of college to get this job, now did you , you little -censor-! So you're going to tell me that you're better than me? Is that it? Yup, I thought so. Well, you know what, I don't care anymore!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Screw this! I'm going to the Bahamas!"

"But sir, I need a guide to destroy the eggnog!"

"Here. Take this creepy little blue feller with you."

"Why does he have to be creepy, and blue?"

-ignore, ignore, ignore-

"Very well, sir."

Just than, Al bursts in with his rocket launcher. "where's MY **EGGNOG**?"

-BOOM- bye bye Gollum!

-BOOM- bye bye Sam!

"Finally... my precious... my precious..."

Peter Jackson walks on set. "This ain't in the script! And hey, who are you? Give us the eggnog and get off of the set!"

"NEVER! AHAHAHA!" says Al, blowing the enitre crew up.

--------------------------

yikes! I've gone mental and now Al is unleashed upon our world... this could go terribly... wrong...

_**REVIEW!**_


	5. Mission: Mental Break Down

Disclaimer: (little story) Disclaimers are like... my weight. No matter how hard I work it off, it always comes back. Damn you low metabolism! Do not disown nothing. :o)

------------------------------

"Ed!" Everyone shouts. "Make Lisa stop, you idiot!"

Quietly Frodo points out that Ed's arms are currently not in his sockets. A discussion takes place and it is decided that the midgets shall be sacrificed. Santa rips Frodo's arms off and tries placing them on Ed. They flop to the ground. All stare.

"You buffoons! That didn't help! Now_ I_ don't have arms!"

"Come now Frodo, it is quite the look for you!" Legolas says, inching uncomfortably close to the midget. -stare-

"I have an idea!" says all powerful Scout Cloud Lee, the runner-up from the fifth season of survivor.

"We take a chipmunk, boil it, and eat it!"

-stare-

"No," says Eowyn. "We need to bring in powerful help. Who does Lisa think is hot?"

-pondering-

"Ed."

"Aragorn."

"Carth, a guy from a StarWars video game. I think she likes rugged."

"Sawyer from Lost."

"Her crush who shall be called Fred for our purposes."

" Michael Jackson!"

-stare-

"Sasuke from Naruto."

"Roy, don't forget Roy!"

"Kiba from Wolf's Rain."

"My," says Frodo. "Only _one _**REAL **person. Such a shame."

"Michael's real!"

-stare-

"Okay," shouts Winry. "Bring forth the ultra-hot rugged animated, real, and fictional men! And... Michael Jackson."

-stare-

"What? He's a good singer!" she says shrugging.

Soon the author is surrounded by said men.

"Hello! Where are my arms!" screams Ed.

-BACK IN MIDDLE EARTH-

Clutching the last bottle of egg nog firmly, Al quickly rips away the many plastic seals to reveal that... it has spoiled.

"NO! I will Have MY **REVENGE**!"

-blows up spoiled egg nog-

-----------------------------------

O dear. I feel I'm losing what little touch that I had. Please, encouragement is needed. -rolls into ball-

**r**_E_**v**_I_**e**_W_


	6. Apocalypse: the End as We Know It!

Disclaimer: I own nothing

-------------------------------------------------

MISSION: APOCALYPSE

"Huh?" Says my crush, who shall be called Fred for our purposes. "Where am I?"

"You are in the house of Elrond," says Gandalf.

"Cut, cut!" shouts Peter Jackson. "Gandalf, we're obviously NOT in the house of Elrond! We're obviously in... in... Where ARE we?"

"Resembool," says Winry. "Hey, you aren't on the list!"

-throws Gandalf and Peter Jackson out of story-

"Well, I **don't **like surprises," says Carth.

"And I don't like this B!#$S!#$!" shouts Sawyer.

"Quiet! There's children in here!"

"...Children? I _love _children!" squeals Michael Jackson.

"What! How'd _he_ get in here?!" shouts Fred.

"Come with me, children," says Legolas, "if you want to be safe!"

"Oh crap!" says Aragorn and Fred in unison.

"Michael Jackson/Legolas is here!"

Winry tries to grab Michael Jackson and Legolas and throw them out, but they run away and hide behind the sofa.

"Okay then," says Winry. "I'll take attendance."

"Ed."

-No response-

"I think he's dead from blood loss," someone shouts.

"Okay then. Aragorn."

"Here."

"Carth."

"Here."

"Sawyer."

"Here."

"Fred."

"Here."

"Sasuke."

"Presently present."

"Roy."

"Here."

"And Kiba."

-No response-

"Has anyone seen Kiba from Wolf's Rain?" cries Winry.

"Wow!" says Scout Cloud Lee. "Instead of chipmunk, I cooked myself some wolf! Mmm..."

-all stare-

"Righty. Kiba won't be joining us," says Winry. "You people have been summoned because we are in need of help. Our author is having a mental break down!"

-Gasp!-

"We thought that maybe if we assembled all manner of hot guys that Lisa likes, she'll snap out of it. So, please take these scripts and-"

-poof-

Winry is gone.

------------------------------------------------------

"Ugh... huh? Where am I?" Winry says startled.

"IN MY DOMAIN," says an all knowing voice.

A giant tin can looms over Winry.

"Oh, it's just you Al. For a minute there, I was actually worried."

"I am not Al. I am RULER OF THIS DOMAIN!!!"

"Sure you are."

Winry turns to leave when she comes face to face with cat-like people, eyes gleaming. Suddenly they all bow down before Al. "All hail the mighty over lord!"

Upon further inspection, Winry notices that a giant civilization is stretched out before her, somewhat similar to that of Roman architecture. Except, instead of Zeus, it's a tin can statue.

"These are some pretty snazzy buildings you got here, Al."

"Thanks, although my decorator costed a fortune. I got the marble for pretty cheap, though. Now, BRING FORTH THE SACRIFICE!!!"

A little blue turtle is hog-tied to a stick.

"Squirtle! Squir-squir-squirtle!"

The civilization starts chanting.

"Turtle soup. Turtle soup! Turtle Soup! Turtle Soup!! Turtle Soup!!! TURTLE SOUP!!!!"

"Squirtle!!!!"

All of a sudden, a car plows Al down. Out steps a hobo. He grabs the tin can and says, "Yay, a home!"

"NO! My civilization!!!!!"

It collapses.

"Well. That was weird," says Winry.

------------------------------------------------------------------

-back in Resembool...-

"Meh, I'm done being melodramatic," says the all knowing author, standing up. The entire cast claps.

"That means you'll leave us for good?!"

"Oh, no. Heavens! Instead of being Emo, I'm gonna be anti-Emo. I'm forming the Anti-Emo Squad. Sign the petition. 5,000 and Congress has to approve! Illegal Emos!"

-runs out of story-

"..."

"..."

"..."

------------------------------------

Well, now the apocalypse is over. G2G! Join Anti-Emo Squad! We have jackets!

:o)


End file.
